THE TOP 50 THWACKS OF 2018: 30–16 THE TOP 50 THWACKS OF 2018: 30–16

THE TOP 50 THWACKS OF 2018: 30–16

THE TOP 50 THWACKS OF 2018: 30–16 THE TOP 50 THWACKS OF 2018: 30–16

Words: MUNDIAL 
Images: Offside Sports Photography

Well, that's it done for another year. New Year's Eve next. Amateur hour in the pubs. You've got that to look forward to. 

While you're all sluggish and tired from too much wine and too much turkey, why not nibble on the middle third of our THWACK round-up? There are some absolute crackers in there. 

You know, 'crackers'. Like Christmas crackers. Anyway.

(You can read part one and part three here.)

THWACK #30 - HEGEDUS V FERENCVÁROSI


Jonny Wilkinson has moved to Hungary and plays football now.

THWACK #29 - ARI V SOMEONE IN THE INDONESIAN THIRD DIVISION

Muhamad Ari’s social media notifications must have been off the scale after he scored this. Loads of his mates tagging him in posts from niche football sites from around the world showcasing him leathering it high and in from just outside the penalty box. Never before has a fixture from the Indonesian Third Division attracted so much global attention and Muhamad is at the centre of it all. The days, the weeks pass, and it all starts to calm down, and life slowly returns to normal. Then as 2018 draws to a close, the niche football sites from around the world start doing their end of year lists, and Muhamad has to put his notifications on silent again.

THWACK #28 - NOBBS V CHELSEA LADIES

If anyone tries to say that this is a cross, well, you can head straight to our office. We’ll give you the address. Just give us a DM. We won’t be there, and you won’t be able to get in because you need a fob AND a key. The iron gate at the front might be closed too. But try us. We started thwacks, so we get to decide.

THWACK #27 - FISHLOCK V PORTLAND


Three minutes on the clock and Jess Fishlock, the first Welsh player to ever reach 100 caps, the four-time Welsh player of the year, scores
that. There’s not much else you can do if you’re the other team, that to quietly clear your throat and hand in your shin pads. Best to quit while you’re already behind.

THWACK #26 - JAMES V BELCONNEN UNITED

Listen to the slo-mo on this. It’s like somebody has recorded Darth Vader lazily finishing himself off using the big gauntlet on his right hand. Which, if you’re wondering, was a Mandalorian Crushgaunt fitted around one of Lord Skere Kaan's indestructible Sith amulets. Hot.

THWACK #25 - MORRIS V CORK

WHAT. ON. FUCKING. EARTH.

THWACK #24 - STANWAY V READING

Watched a team called Stanway Rovers in the FA Cup once. They were rubbish. Georgia Stanway is better than all of them. Absolutely batters it in here, doesn’t she? Fair bloody play.

THWACK #23 - BONAVENTURA V NAPOLI

Fabio Borini, a man who was so nearly a great footballer. At the sad, relatively young age of 27, he’s already played for seven clubs. Seemed crippled by something at Liverpool, made Di Canio/Big Sam/Dick Advocaat happy for a bit at Sunderland, then fucked off back to Italy to join Milan.

Maybe he was never meant to be a striker; maybe he should have just ended up wheelying his Vespa around Bologna instead, drinking espressos, eating tagliatelle. Here he is doing cushioned headers for his mates to score sill scissor kicks instead. Much better, Fabio, grazie.

THWACK #22 - McKENNA V KILMARNOCK

A rocket (from Italian rocchetto "bobbin") is a missile, spacecraft, aircraft, or other vehicle that obtains thrust from a rocket engine. Rocket engine exhaust is formed entirely from propellant carried within the rocket before use. Rocket engines work by action and reaction and push rockets forward simply by expelling their exhaust in the opposite direction at high speed and can, therefore, work in the vacuum of space.

In fact, rockets work more efficiently in space than in an atmosphere. Multistage rockets are capable of attaining escape velocity from Earth and therefore can achieve unlimited maximum altitude. Compared with air breathing engines, rockets are lightweight and powerful and capable of generating large accelerations. To control their flight, rockets rely on momentum, aerofoils, auxiliary reaction engines, gimballed thrust, momentum wheels, deflection of the exhaust stream, propellant flow, spin, and/or gravity.

THWACK #21 - CHAKVETADZE V KAZAKHSTAN

Before God there was nothing. And after the dinosaurs there was everything. Before the Greeks, there were the Vikings. And after light there was dark. Before electricity there was faith, and before sandwiches there were leaves. Before this autumn there were international friendlies, and after this autumn there was the Nations League, and it changed everything. This was the first goal ever in the Nations League. Well in, Giorgi.

THWACK #20 - DE BRUYNE V LEICESTER

Has there ever been anyone who kicks a football like Kevin De Bruyne? Discuss. (10 marks)

THWACK #19 - KRELIACH V LAFC

Paris 1890. 82 Boulevard de Clichy. The Moulin Rouge. Young Frenchman, Valentin le Désossé is on the stage.

Los Angeles 2018. 3939 S Figueroa. Banc of California Stadium. A Croatian, Damir Kreilach is on the pitch.

118 years and thousands of miles separate what seem to be at first glance totally unrelated scenarios. But both men are experts in an acrobatic form of the quadrille dance. This version has no set steps and allows for freedom, flexibility and inventiveness which are typified by its high kicks. Ladies and Gentlemen this is the cancan and Valentin and Damir are experts at it.

THWACK #18 - BENASSI V UDINESE

You aaaaaaaare, a cinema, I could watch you forever. Benny Benassi once sung that, and I feel the same way about this goal. The defending is like something out of the last minute of a World Cup knockout match. It’s absolutely abysmal. But Marco Benassi doesn’t care. He’s just ran the length of the pitch and absolutely twatted it into the net.

THWACK #17 - BANNAN V MILLWALL

Barry Bannan. Great name. Brilliant name. Like a fallen hero from a Wolfe Tones ballad, or a handsome plumber that drinks in the same pub as your dad. Need a post office commandeering in the name of the glorious republic? Barry Bannan. Your U-bend playing up on Christmas Eve? Barry Bannan.

In fact, Barry Bannan is footballer. In 2010 Gérard Houllier said "Xavi, Iniesta, Messi, Pedro. You can watch and wonder if they are playing in the youth team sometimes. They have fast technique, and young Barry has all of that”, about him, and that might seem fucking mental now, but this was a decent thwack. Well in, Baz.

THWACK #16 - BLIND V DE GRAAFSCHAP


Daley Blind scored a hat-trick in this game. Ajax won 8–0. Don’t let that ruin it, though: the Dutchman’s pushed it out of his feet and whammed one right into the top corner, kissing in off the bar for good measure, the keeper looking on and wishing he was at home, under a blanket, watching Erin Brockovich. Bet he’s gutted that it’s all gone tits up in Manchester, isn’t he, ole Daley, having the time of his life back in the red and white of Amsterdam.

THWACK #15 - REACH V VILLA


These are the type of goals you dream of scoring about, aren’t they. You’ve seen the knockdown coming, and you are fully in your stride. You’re picturing it as you run and as it drops WALLOP. Meat of the foot straight through the bastard, lovely bit of swerve you think as it dips and leaves the keeper absolutely helpless. Except you swing and miss and fall on your face. Because your name isn’t Adam Reach and you don’t play for the Owls, do you, Clive.

And, well, that's your lot. We'll be back tomorrow with the last of them: THWACKS 15 – 1. Bet you can't wait. You have a good Christmas? Hope so. If you'd like to read more stuff like this, but in an actual magazine, Issue 16 is available here.

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