It's been a good year for football and maybe an even better year for kits as 2018 was the year manufacturers finally managed to marry their insatiable lust for new things to sell you and the ability to actually give you stuff you want.
It was a massive undertaking for us to rank the very best and narrow it down to a top 50, but we are nothing if not overly-ambitious and keen on making bad decisions.
Here's part one. Feel free to tell us we're talking shit on Twitter.
Look at the stars / Look how they shine for you / And everything you do / Yeah they were all yellow...
Whatever you think of Coldplay, you can’t deny they write banging songs. Anyway, here’s PNE’s away kit this year. You’re wearing this because yellow is your happy colour, and you can’t be sad at Christmas, not any more. It’s been nine years since dad left mate, get over it.
46. PATTAYA UNITED—THIRD (2018)
Looks like one of those giant dolphin sweets you could buy for 10p after playing football when you were little. Then you’d eat too many and feel sick, greedy little shit. Might just be me.
45. GALATASARAY—HOME (18/19)
In Istanbul, Fenerbahçe are the team of those with Money, Beşiktaş are the team of the Liberal Thinkers, and Galatasaray are the team of the Workers. That’s what my flatmate told me anyway, and he’d never lie to me, would he? Anyway, Nike have made another banger for Gala—it never changes, still all rhubarb and custard, and remember how good they were?
44. CLAPTON CFC—AWAY (18/19)
The most popular non-league kit in history. They sold so many of these over the summer that CCFC had to close their shop for a bit and start paying VAT on everything. If they were real lefties, they wouldn’t be paying their taxes. Smash the rich! This kit does slap though, to be fair to them. It’s based on the flag of the Spanish Republic and throws out a nod to the International Brigades who went out to fight Franco in the ‘30s. Plus if you wear it in Vallekas in Madrid or the St Pauli district in Hamburg, you’ll never have to buy yourself a bevvie again.
43. TIBET—HOME (2018)
Image: Classic Football Shirts
Who is your favourite famous football fan? Prince William down the Villa? Sly Stallone and Everton? Sue Johnstone is a big Liverpool fan, which is nice. Ours is the actual Dalai Lama, and we support Tibet now. Namaste.
42. BARCELONA—HOME (18/19)
When you played table football in Spain as a child, did you go the little blue and red fellas, or did you support Franco’s fascists playing in white? I don’t care if he’s seven years old, he has got to learn. Oh, great. He’s crying now. Well done. Two more San Miguel, please, and a Calippo for crying arse, here.
41. CELTIC—AWAY (18/19)
How can their away kit be white and green when their home kit is green and white? It absolutely does not matter, because look at that badge, just look at that bloody badge. The ‘Celtic Cross’ which adorned the Bhoys first ever shirt has returned, and it makes all other questions and discussions about this shirt totally redundant.
40. SPURS—GOALKEEPER (17/18)
Hugo Lloris plays up front for Borussia Dortmund now. Got a one-in-three goals-to-games ratio. Still wears his gloves.
39. YOKOHAMA F. MARINOS—HOME (17/18)
Shame that J-League kits aren’t as mad as they used to be, but they do squeak out the odd banger here and there: like Yokohama elevating what could've been just a blue and red adi template with dozens of navy and light blue electric bolts. It’s the little things, isn’t it?
38. GRENADA—AWAY (2015–2018)
Image: Classic Football Shirts
Sleek and simple up top with an eye-popping hue the colour of Sunny Delight.
37. BAYERN MUNICH—HOME (18/19)
Bayerrrrrrrrn, they’re the greatest team in the vurrrrld / Nobody can stop themmm / because they’re the greatest team in the vurrrrrrrld
Just made this song up. Just like that. It’s not true, like most songs, but then again, what is? Just six points behind Dortmund now, are Bayern. They’ll probably win it. Because they’re the greatest team in the vurrrrrrrld.
36. LEEDS—AWAY (18/19)
Leeds, Leeds, Leeds. The first truly Twitter-native football team. Play poorly for 87 minutes and then do one of those mad 400 pass goals, some streamer dude puts it up, and everyone talks about them being the best team in the world. Then the video gets taken down and the account's suspended. Such is life. This shirt is a representation of Bielsa’s tactics board.
35. PHILADELPHIA UNION—HOME (18/19)
Bimbo Bakeries USA (Spanish pronunciation: [Ëˆbimbo]) is the American corporate arm of the Mexican multinational bakery product manufacturing company Grupo Bimbo. It is the largest bakery company in the United States. The company, headquartered in Horsham, Pennsylvania, a suburb of Philadelphia owns many fresh bread and sweet baked goods brands in the United States, including Entenmann's, Sara Lee, and Thomas' It is also a top advertising sponsor for many major soccer teams around the globe. Lovely colour, ain’t it?
34. DORTMUND—HOME GK (18/19)
Dark clay red and made to look like the wearer has got a robotic six-pack.
33. MOOR MEAD (18/19)
WE SPONSOR A FOOTBALL TEAM NOW. THEY’RE CALLED MOOR MEAD FC. YOU CAN BUY THIS ON KITLOCKER. WE DON’T MAKE ANY MONEY FROM IT. THIS ISN’T A SPONSORED POST.
32. WEST HAM—AWAY (18/19)
"West Ham Away". Three words that are laden down with so much bloody stuff that it’s hard to say them without having to sit down. The Dildo Brothers, the Brexit Thunderdome, Jack Wilshere’s ankles, Andy Carroll’s hair, the man with the flag. This kit made us forget all of those things and think only of Felipe Anderson being so beautiful that we’d like to carry him around in a massive pouch made of this kit and show him off to people while telling them how beautiful he is.
31. PESCARA—THIRD (18/19)
This is based on the Pescara kit from 1992 and looks like something that a NASCAR team sponsored by SeaWorld might wear. You should watch Blackfish if you can. Really awful what they do to the killer whales there. Appalling. Still, this is a nice shirt, and to be fair to Pescara, they’re not a NASCAR team sponsored by SeaWorld. They’re a football team.
And, well, that's your lot. We'll be back tomorrow with KITS 30–16. Bet you can't wait. If you'd like to read more stuff like this, but in an actual magazine, Issue 16 is available here.