Nowadays, it’s not uncommon for a brand, company, or individual to have multiple revenue streams, you know, more strings to their bow, something extra going on behind the scenes. This might be a pop-up shop, a new in-house cafe, maybe even an exclusive line of ethically made tote bags screen printed in North London by that guy you met once who owns a warehouse and does evening classes every Tuesday and Thursday. Yeah, that. 

Now imagine you’re not you, or a brand or a big company, or anything remotely similar; you’re a world-renowned football star making £300,000 a week. You own the supercars, you own the yacht, you can tick off owning a few homes around the globe too. You have it all, literally. What’s missing? Nothing, nothing is missing. 

Except there is one tiny thing niggling away at you, something you’ve kept deep down inside unable to let free. Then, like a premonition, or sudden epiphany, you realise it’s time, it’s time for you to release your very own fashion line. Throw in some activewear, a range of matching socks, hats, scarves and you’re smiling more than you ever have before. The prices will be irrationally high but it’s okay! People will still buy it! 

There are so many fashion lines started by footballers today that it was hard to narrow down the ones worth talking about, really, honestly. To keep things tight, we’ve put together an outfit consisting of four items from different players’ brands. Here’s what we thought:

A distressed trucker jacket from Cristiano Ronaldo’s brand ‘CR7’ will set you back $119 (£91.94) which is perfect if you want to look exactly like you just walked out H&M, or Next, or Debenhams, except you haven’t, you’ve gone and spent double the price. Well done. You look cracking. 

Unfortunately, these jackets are currently sold out online following their 70% off sale. Were you lucky enough to bag one for £27? That price sounds a bit more reasonable to us. 

Why not pair this with a little number from Wilfried Zaha’s new line, ‘Long Live’. The Destruction T-shirt (for £59.99, lovely) looks a bit like the cover of New Order’s Power, Corruption & Lies album from far away. Except it’s not, it’s actually the art piece your older sister made at school when she was going through what your mum refers to as her ‘phase’ after Mike in the year above broke up with her. “The lack of faith leads to self-destruction, but may those who believe succeed…” is quoted on the shirt over what looks to be a grainy illustration of a mushroom cloud. There’s some more text but we haven’t written that out because you get the gist. 

So there’s your T-shirt and jacket set, what about the rest of your outfit? 

Up next are some joggers from Zlatan Ibrahimović’s brand, A–Z. Your legs will be protected from the elements in these bad boys. They’re called Comfort Pants with Rib (for £49.99, could be worse, could be a lot, lot better) and are available in black as well as navy. Choices, choices. Quick irrelevant, minor question though… Does Amazon know about this brand? A to Z is their tagline, isn’t it? Is it? We’re questioning ourselves now. Are we missing something? Is Zlatan affiliated with Amazon?

The ‘It’s Not About the Gear’ tagline is a bit iffy too. It reminds you of a guy you knew in the first year at university called Darren. You both agreed to not experiment with drugs but drifted when he started doing ket and rubbing your face at a dodgy house party. You left to go water your cheese plant, or to get a kebab, or just go somewhere else, anywhere else. Dammit, Darren. 

As for accessories, we’ve got you covered. Thank God Jesse Lingard launched his brand ‘JLingz’ last month. Now you can cap off your outfit, quite literally, with a “Born 2 Perform’ hat complete with Jesse’s infamous celebration embroidered on the front. For £25.00 it’s yours. But for £5 more you could pre-order the new-in distressed peak hat that says ‘Be Yourself’ on the back. That’s got you thinking, that’ll match your distressed denim jack from CR7. Everyone loves a matching accessory. 

Not to jump on the bandwagon or anything, but we started our own clothing line which you can see here. We also sell a lovely array of pin badges… Come to think of it, what don’t we do? 

fake yeezys