I’m too sexy for my shirt / Too sexy for my shirt / So sexy it hurts / And I’m too sexy for Milan / Too sexy for Milan / New York, and Japan / I’m too sexy for your party / Too sexy for your party / No way I’m disco dancing.
It’s September 1991. Right Said Fred’s Too Sexy has been at number two in the charts for 10 weeks. You bought the CD, and the flimsy air freshener that was released alongside it. The song’s been rattling the windows of your Honda Prelude, constantly. You just can’t turn it off! And, having won the FA Cup in May, Spurs and Umbro are ripe to bring out a banging Third Shirt for the Cup Winner’s Cup campaign. European nights away beckon. You buy one from the club shop and put it on straight away. It kisses your shoulders. It sticks to the beaded seat covers. It chafes your nipples. The car smells funky. Real funky.
It’s February 2018. These Days by Rudimental, Jess Glynne, Macklemore and Dan Caplen is at number two in the charts. You listened to it on Spotify once, and then forgot that it ever existed. You feel like you’ve heard it before. But then again, you’ve been saying that a lot recently. Constantly, actually. And, having recently collaborated with Louis Vuitton and Lacoste, Supreme are ripe to bring out an absolute dead-ringer for that Spurs shirt. The one you wore in Split that time in ’93. You try and buy it, online, but can’t seem to do it quick enough. Some guy called Chad in LA has bought three hundred, and put them all on eBay. He thinks a Tottenham is a type of cake. With icing. His car smells funky. Real funky.
Supreme have released their Spring/Summer ’18 Lookbook and previews today, and amongst the skulls and the orange and the very, very nice puffer jackets, is a football shirt from the back of the wardrobe. It’s a football shirt wedged in the memories of Tottenham fans. The one they wore for the first time against Feyenoord in the Cup Winner’s Cup, and then four more times over the following few years. The Umbro one, with the WordArt typeface fading optimistically amongst the blinds around the collar, just above the Holsten Pils sponsorship. It’s beautiful. The opening slide to the best PowerPoint presentation you never gave. And here, just here, are the five times that Darren Anderton and his fellow wavegods pulled it on.
TOTTENHAM 0–0 FEYENOORD 18th March 1992
It’s taken six months since the club released the shirt for them to wear it. They head into this second leg home tie following a one–nil loss in Feyenoord. Gary Lineker and Gordon Durie are up front. They draw 0–0. Tottenham are out. The shirt is in.
SOUTHAMPTON 0–0 TOTTENHAM 15th August 1992
A 0–0 DRAW AT THE DELL. 19,654 DOWN THE DELL. NEIL RUDDOCK MADE HIS FIRST APPEARANCE ON HIS RETURN TO TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR. DARREN ANDERTON MADE HIS DEBUT FOR TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR. THE SHIRT WAS SEEN. THE SHIRT LIVES ON.
BRENTFORD 2–4 TOTTENHAM 7th October 1992
They took the shirt out for a League Cup second round, second leg trip down to Griffin Park. Wrapped it around Neil Ruddock’s back, around Ian Walker’s back, around Steve Sedgley’s back, around Nick Barmby’s back. And boy, boy did the goals come this time. Teddy Sheringham scored twice, Darren Anderton once and Andy Turner (once anointed the first £10m player by Alan Ball) mopped up with the fourth. Rad.
SHEFFIELD UNITED 6–0 TOTTENHAM 2nd March 1993
Fucking hell, lads.
SHEFFIELD UNITED 0–1 TOTTENHAM 14th August 1993
It’s that man Teddy, again, at a very sunny St James’ Park.
We’ve been told that there’s another time. A sixth time they wore this majestic skating jersey, in a 2–2 draw at Bramall Lane. We can’t find the video anywhere though. Be our guests. Please, please, be our guests. It’s hurting our heads to look.
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