WIMBLEDON – (1996–97)
Your name is Neil Sullivan, and you’ve finally made the number one shirt your own, but you’re being systematically bullied by Vinnie Jones and Mick Harford. This shirt, you tell yourself, is the only friend you have. Then some precocious twat with blonde curtains lobs you from the halfway line and everything is dark again. Your head is in the toilet. Joe Kinnear is doing it for your own good.
ITALY – (1996)
Be nice with a scooter, this. Just you and your lovely Italian girlfriend on a Vespa, zipping around the cobbled back streets before stopping for some cannoli, and a spot of heavy petting, ignoring the wolf whistling builders as you down an espresso and spark up a Camel Blue. Wake up, Clive. You live in Cleethorpes and you’re going to miss your bus.
FC ILVES TAMPERE – (1999–2000)
He’s your nemesis, isn’t he? Better hair, nicer trainers, actually understands those books you carry to impress the girls. He’s wearing this when fate forces you together in a toilet cubicle. He’s talking but you can’t hear him, you accept the key but can only stare at that little orange monster on his chest. You’re going back to his house to steal it.
WELL YOU WONDER WHY I ALWAYS DRESS IN BLACK, WHY YOU NEVER SEE BRIGHT COLOURS ON MY BACK, AND WHY DOES MY APPEARANCE SEEM TO HAVE A SOMBRE TONE. THERE’S A REASON FOR THE THINGS THAT I HAVE ON.
Mother of actual Christ, just look at it.